Water Night

I recently journaled this over vacation, but I really think it really puts where I am at in perspective... So here it is...

October 8, 2011 11:00PM    Mineral Wells, Texas    Holiday Inn (Stairwell)

WATER NIGHT

How many times have I written the line... “I never thought I’d be here...?” Countless. Still here I am...saying, I never thought I’d be here. I am not afraid of the pain as I used to be. But, there is still the unfamiliarity of it all. Sure, I’ve had a whirlwind of pain throughout my entire childhood, but this is very different. Because, I know THIS pain is necessary. Contrary to so many years I thought I was the terrible victim to a never ending evil plot. I could run, but the plot and the killer would always find me, and inevitably they would.

It’s almost humorous to think of the setting when writing this. I am here in the middle of nowhere. In the stairwell, in a tiny Texas town called Mineral Wells.  Outside it’s dark and the rain pours endlessly on the windows. How appropriate the whole thing is. To top the whole endeavor off, “Water Night” by Eric Whitacre plays in my earphones. Perhaps, it is truly a “water night.” The water is a mixture of confusion, dreams, pain, happiness, sorrow, madness, joy, victory and defeat. The thought then remains. Does the water truly lead to wells in your soul? Maybe, if the water is your own tears. Of course, it does. My soul is a pool of well water. 

However, the frustration remains just below the surface, because it is still difficult to let the tears go at all. I feel there need to be released building behind my longing eyes, and yet they stay plugged to their home.

Still the unwavering feeling of hope continues to feel my soul. Where does it all come from? I have yet to finally let myself become completely overwhelmed in the mist all of this stuff. Its like I know that there is so much to go through, but I am not worried that it will somehow all work out. Of course, I can’t begin to tell you how or when, but I just know that it will. Although it does not downplay the present pain or confusion that still lingers around me, but it does settle my soul somewhat. 

So for now, let it be a...“Water Night...” 

Acting

To Whom ever reads this, (I did type that with Sass, couldn't help myself..lol)

I often question why I write any of things. I mean who's really reading these things. So, for a while you refuse to type at all then you think about it. To yourself you think "I guess it doesn't really matter if anyone reads it, it makes me feel better and that's enough reason for me...at least that's my alibi for now. So here's my thoughts as recorded by me...for me. Lol.

Being a good actor (most humbly of course...no seriously...humbly) ;) can be a problem sometimes. I mean I will convince someone I am a certain way, and then one day I look up and I can't remember how I really felt. How did I feel about certain situation or a certain relationship. There are also the cases where I can convince myself that although I don't feel a certain way about something that I probably should feel that way, so I adjust. Problem. Fake emotions can be harmful to yourself. I mean I having to sort through what I really believe about certain things for the first time with a counselor. I mean they ask you these questions, and you look off because honestly you don't even know the answer to the question. Of course, have the time you think to yourself..."how in the heck did I get here in the first place?...Have I really been lying to myself about this much stuff?...sounds like it." Not that I am going to disclose the ridiculous question that stund me, but I will allude to parts of it. The counselor asked me a question that I never truly thought I would have to answer. Not because I was afraid, but because I never thought it was a real question to answer. I kept turning away as she looked at me. Honestly, I decided that this wasn't a question that I had an option to answer, because of the tragic childhood I had encountered. However, she looked at me in her office and said very serious..."Jared, you deserve to able to answer this question..." Do I? I ended by looking at her and saying, "Honestly, I don't believe it, but I want to...I really really wish I could." See actor. I thought for years I had already answered the question, but I hadn't...I was such a good actor that I made myself to believe that I had, but sadly I hadn't...maybe one day I will.