Dirty Feet

In this season, it is hard to see past the pain, the confusion, and trust Papa God with your healing. You want to be well right now, you are tired of the feeling of always needing to be "fixed." But, alas, you give up an keep moving on... I don't know if this sounds like anyone else, but it sure does describe me. Today, I was reminded of a time I wrote an article on cleaning someone's feet. I was given the task of finding some poor person to wash, then write about my experience, but the trouble was that no one would let me wash their feet. So, I sat staring at my computer having no clue "how," I was supposed to write this paper having not had the experience. Then the Holy Spirit began to talk to me about the context of the scripture in which Jesus washed their feet. In it the disciples began to wildly object when Jesus said, "I must wash your feet." In fact, Peter said, "I am not worthy of you to wash my feet, let me wash yours." The funny thing was that neither of them were prepared for Jesus' response. He interrupted their protests with this, "If I do not wash your feet, you can not have any part of me..." Well, Crap! That shut everybody up, even Peter. The Holy Spirit began to talk to me about the hardest and the worst part of our lives. How we don't want to have to let anyone else see those areas, and we would never want someone else to have to deal with them. In Jesus time, the feet were the dirtiest part of them physically. They walked barefoot or sandaled for miles and miles everyday. Some of the disciples could have stepped on anything from poop to diseases, needless to say, they were dirty, and both Jesus and the disciples knew this. Even to this day, most people don't want people to touch their feet, or they don't want to be touched my feet. Girls, argue all the time about who's feet are uglier and most men's feet are well....more ugly. But Jesus said, "If I cannot wash your feet, you cannot have any part of me..."As I read over it again, I began to get it. Our feet represent the worst parts of us, sometimes the hidden things, and if we are willing to let Jesus "wash and love us" WHERE we are...wherever that may be, than we can not enjoy all the other benefits that come from Jesus. We must be willing to say "Jesus, I am warning you these feet smell (sin and shame), I am pretty sure I stepped on a dead animal today at some point, and the smell could cause you to throw up..." However, we know that Jesus looks at our "feet" with Joy, because Hebrews 12 says "for the JOY that was set before him, he endured the cross..." He smiles at us as the warm water washes away the "dirt" of the day, week, year, or even years, and says "You think I am afraid to touch your feet...nahhh!!! I love your feet, they're your feet, and no one else's. Sure, you stepped in alot of crap, but just come right here and I will wash every smell and dirt away. I paid for those smelly stinky feet..." Sure, we all have stinky feet, even on our best day... But the feeling when you get out of the shower and you feel are clean and warm from the shower, there is nothing like it. Thank Jesus, He is the washer of feet, because as usual mine stink again. Jesus clean my feet, please!

Embracing the Mystery

Journeys are a most peculiar thing. They carry with them a certain newness, mystery, and surprise at every turn. Some are good and seem to make us aware that mystery holds certain truths. Still, at other times they are seemly destructive and we cower at the thought of facing more unknown. However, the fact of the matter is that we cannot change the journey that we are on. We cannot change the mystery, the newness, or the surprise that lies and waits for us to encounter it, but fear that is something that we can change. There is always risk to relationship. There is a risk that someone won’t be who they say they are, or that someone will fail us along the road. However, that is the beauty of trust, it is full of risk. Perhaps, it is important to consider the risk that Jesus took for us. He died knowing that half of the world might never know him. He risked that He would be rejected, and that we, having free will, could choose to take His hand or shove it away. Knowing this it’s hard to say no to the hand that is extended towards us each morning. Although the hand does not promise us no newness, mystery, or surprise, it promises one thing...togetherness. Life is a journey that we are called to walk with God in togetherness. No matter how scary or challenging the road looks, I am suddenly aware of the hand that is squeezing tightly next to me. I hear him whisper, “Your Papa is here....He’s never gonna let go...Your Papa loves you...Your Papa is proud of you...He is always pleased with you...You are loved my baby Jared...Loved.” Somehow, in the mist of these moments, the newness, the mystery, and the surprise loose their fear and suddenly there is a sense of adventure. I feel it crawling up from my stomach and it makes it warmth to my face, and I smile, because I am not alone in the mystery, newness, and surprise, or even the pain. I am lost completely lost in Papa God’s arms. His grip seems to carry me...carry me...wait..I remember this feeling...this unmistakable....Peace.

"Healing the Cracks"

Many may not know that I am writing a book about my life. Wow, it just sounds funny when I admit it. I am writing, because I have been asked to write my story down for years, and so now I am finally doing it. At first, I felt stupid in thinking that someone would even want to read my story, but now I realize that it has formed a deeper healing in me the more I write. So, I wanted to share a clip from "Healing the Cracks" with all of you...whoever you are. So, here it is....

I was in the pent house of my dorm, and it was almost 1am. I starred out of the window at the city lights. This was one of the few places I felt safe to cry. I was so alone, and almost hopeless as I begged God to take away my pain. I wanted so desperately to know that I could truly see the love of God. I knew He loved me, but I wanted to ‘experience’ it. I continued to stare out of the window as the time slowly passed. It must be close to 2 or 3 am by now. Suddenly I seemed to leave my body. It seemed as if I floated over the city for a minute, before I began to watch cities flash before me, and then I heard God speak to me, “I am going to take you around the world, and use you to MANIFEST my love on a level the world has never seen...” As if the whole experience hadn’t just took place, I was suddenly back on the floor starring out the window. Had God really said He was going to use me to show the world His MANIFESTED love? Does He know that I don’t know His love? I had come to this penthouse, because I had just fell subject to temptation and I was repented for falling yet again... Here God was telling me He was going to use ME? ME! Had He forgotten why I was up here? As in response, the presence of God began to surround me, and I felt him loving on me. 

I’ve heard it said that God’s word will come in a time that is completely contrary to it, to show us the power that his word has the power to bring itself to past. He had spoken a word to me that was completely contrary to my life at the time. I had never experienced His love, but that didn’t stop God from declaring it over me. As humans, we often see things in there present state. We  view people in their world of pain, or we unconsciously attach someone’s wounds to their identity. However, God sees things in their fullness, and in their original purpose. He chooses to remove our wounds from our identity, and empower the true nature of who we are on the inside. The words of Paul come to mind in these statements... “As we behold in a mirror the glory of God...” For so many years, I was so afraid of what I would see in the mirror, I never looked. However, when I finally ventured to look, I realized God had been waiting to not reveal my flaws, but His nature to heal. I saw in the mirror who He had died for me to be, and what He had paid for me to be free, and the love that surrounded every part of my being.

I was familiar with His love, but I had no clue what was really coming my way on that horizon... 

Our world is full of the orphan spirit, more than any other generation has ever witnessed. Not only are we fatherless in the natural, but we have been raised in the church to view God as an orphan. We don’t know that it was Papa Daddy God, not just God, that sent Jesus to die for us.

Although it is my belief that experiencing pain is inevitable. We can choose to process the pain, and see healing come through an amazing encounter with Daddy God’s love in the very arms of the creator himself. Here is my story with Papa...

Let me know what you think.... :) 

Water Night

I recently journaled this over vacation, but I really think it really puts where I am at in perspective... So here it is...

October 8, 2011 11:00PM    Mineral Wells, Texas    Holiday Inn (Stairwell)

WATER NIGHT

How many times have I written the line... “I never thought I’d be here...?” Countless. Still here I am...saying, I never thought I’d be here. I am not afraid of the pain as I used to be. But, there is still the unfamiliarity of it all. Sure, I’ve had a whirlwind of pain throughout my entire childhood, but this is very different. Because, I know THIS pain is necessary. Contrary to so many years I thought I was the terrible victim to a never ending evil plot. I could run, but the plot and the killer would always find me, and inevitably they would.

It’s almost humorous to think of the setting when writing this. I am here in the middle of nowhere. In the stairwell, in a tiny Texas town called Mineral Wells.  Outside it’s dark and the rain pours endlessly on the windows. How appropriate the whole thing is. To top the whole endeavor off, “Water Night” by Eric Whitacre plays in my earphones. Perhaps, it is truly a “water night.” The water is a mixture of confusion, dreams, pain, happiness, sorrow, madness, joy, victory and defeat. The thought then remains. Does the water truly lead to wells in your soul? Maybe, if the water is your own tears. Of course, it does. My soul is a pool of well water. 

However, the frustration remains just below the surface, because it is still difficult to let the tears go at all. I feel there need to be released building behind my longing eyes, and yet they stay plugged to their home.

Still the unwavering feeling of hope continues to feel my soul. Where does it all come from? I have yet to finally let myself become completely overwhelmed in the mist all of this stuff. Its like I know that there is so much to go through, but I am not worried that it will somehow all work out. Of course, I can’t begin to tell you how or when, but I just know that it will. Although it does not downplay the present pain or confusion that still lingers around me, but it does settle my soul somewhat. 

So for now, let it be a...“Water Night...” 

Acting

To Whom ever reads this, (I did type that with Sass, couldn't help myself..lol)

I often question why I write any of things. I mean who's really reading these things. So, for a while you refuse to type at all then you think about it. To yourself you think "I guess it doesn't really matter if anyone reads it, it makes me feel better and that's enough reason for me...at least that's my alibi for now. So here's my thoughts as recorded by me...for me. Lol.

Being a good actor (most humbly of course...no seriously...humbly) ;) can be a problem sometimes. I mean I will convince someone I am a certain way, and then one day I look up and I can't remember how I really felt. How did I feel about certain situation or a certain relationship. There are also the cases where I can convince myself that although I don't feel a certain way about something that I probably should feel that way, so I adjust. Problem. Fake emotions can be harmful to yourself. I mean I having to sort through what I really believe about certain things for the first time with a counselor. I mean they ask you these questions, and you look off because honestly you don't even know the answer to the question. Of course, have the time you think to yourself..."how in the heck did I get here in the first place?...Have I really been lying to myself about this much stuff?...sounds like it." Not that I am going to disclose the ridiculous question that stund me, but I will allude to parts of it. The counselor asked me a question that I never truly thought I would have to answer. Not because I was afraid, but because I never thought it was a real question to answer. I kept turning away as she looked at me. Honestly, I decided that this wasn't a question that I had an option to answer, because of the tragic childhood I had encountered. However, she looked at me in her office and said very serious..."Jared, you deserve to able to answer this question..." Do I? I ended by looking at her and saying, "Honestly, I don't believe it, but I want to...I really really wish I could." See actor. I thought for years I had already answered the question, but I hadn't...I was such a good actor that I made myself to believe that I had, but sadly I hadn't...maybe one day I will.

Thoughts Thoughts Thoughts

Dear Unread Universe,
So I am going to try and make my thoughts make sense, but I will not apologize if they don't. Pain is inescapable. If anything I have truly begun to learn is that. Oh how long have I run from pain. I ran as fast as I could to a retreat where I believed that if I just hide they couldn't find me. However, I have finally realized that the only way to heal is to process the pain. For many other people this is obvious. Sure, we wish that we were raised in families where Dad, Mom, and our siblings represented the truth in our lives, but I have yet to find a family where there isn't something off in those areas. There are people who defend there decision to believe that such a "Utopia" where such a family exists, but it does not. Of course, in accepting that reality leaves a small door open to feel like a failure in being a parent or being a child. Accepting that no one was raised perfecting; however, opens the door for us to process the pain of our childhood and restore the union that was always intended to be between us and "Daddy God, Jesus, and Holy Spirit." In admitting the wrongs that have been inflicted on us it is equally important to consider that for the most part our parents and siblings were unaware of the hurts that they were inflicting. Although, dealing with the reality of my childhood has been one of the most painful things I have experienced. I want to so desperately to believe that it never happen, that I had perfect parents, that I had perfect siblings...Ha! I think for me its been the hardest thing to cry. I want to cry so badly, but I've worked so hard for so many years to pretend that I've dealt with the things in the past, but I just pushed them down. Honestly, I convinced myself that I would be unburdening others by keeping it to myself, but I didn't I only hurt others and myself more. Because, every reaction that we have to every situation comes from something off on the inside. Some lie on the inside. I ask myself "why would you come out and write this on a blog?" Perhaps, its just for my own sanity to be real with myself. So, I'm processing and it's ugly...But I am looking towards the prize of true healing just on the horizon I know it will come. I trust Papa God! I trust Him. He is faithful to me forever and a day. #process #grace #faithfulness

What about Romania?

        I apologize that it's been so long since I've blogged. However, I am not one to make up things to say, so up until this point I haven't really had anything pressing to talk about. Anyways, It took a while to finish typing up my thoughts about Romania, but here's my thoughts after much contemplation....


      Romania...where do I start? Perhaps, I believe that it is best to start  where we are. Right here in America. I used to believe, like so many other born-American’s that we were born into privilege simply by being who we are, Americans. However, once you take the time to venture outside of our bubble, not that I am saying our bubble is bad; on the contrary, you find something much greater lies in the American way of life. Now, I know what your thinking, here’s this guy who feels relatively inspired after a trip overseas, and now wants to change the world. My reply to that accusation is a simple one, “You’re not digging deep enough!” 

Jumping back to the question, “What do I think about Romania?” Well, many of you are ardent readers. You follow the news and many Americans feel well-versed in the problems around the world, because of the vast array of information flowing unendingly from the internet. However, what I found in Romania could not be explained on the internet, by a reporter simply reporting the economy, rise and downfall of a country, and its government. No, the root was and is much deeper. There was a “Spirit of Hopelessness” seated deep in the hearts of the people. It had been passed down mindlessly to each incoming generation of Romanians and Moldavians. To say that Romania struggles to stay alive economically, and it’s neighboring nation, Moldova, falls even more behind, is just a plain understatement.

Like so many of my trips to visit cultures and other ways of life, my heart becomes determined to locate a source for a cultures’ belief. It was not until I was sitting in a youth outreach, drinking coffee with my new Romanian friends that God began to unravel the mystery that had been hidden so intricately behind the scene. 

There were five of us sitting around the table, and for the most part the five of us were engaged in the game we were playing. However, one of my new friends was not playing, she watched me carefully as I played and laughed, and then she studied me waiting for just the right moment to start asking the questions that were playing on her mind. “Shared,”(“Jared” She said in broken English with a strong Romanian accent). “What you want to do...” She said trailing off. It was my turn, so I contemplated my move and made it, and as the uprise came from the table, I addressed her. “What do I want to do about what?” I said trying to make sure I knew what she meant. Most of the team we worked with spoke English but some of them spoke no English; however, even some of the English was hard to understand sometimes.  She thought for a minute about my question. I could tell she was going over the English in her head trying to make sure she had asked what she wanted. She adjusted herself in the chair, and addressed me again, “Shared, do you have a dream?” She finished with a smile. I had forgotten all about the game, and another friend tapped me on the shoulder, and motioned that it was my turn. (She didn’t speak English). I took my turn quickly, and turned to my conversation. “Oh, I have so many dreams...” (What I said isn’t important) after I finished I asked her the same question. “What are your dreams?” However, she didn’t answer me, and she looked down at her hands. She answered very slowly, because she was trying to find the right English words to answer. “You dream, because you are American.....you can dream because you have money...” I was almost insulted at this accusation, but my spirit began to percolate on the inside of me. There was something behind this accusation. An answer to a deep seated root living in the people in this country, including and especially in the thinking of the Christian Romanians/Moldavians. If you look at the world with a poverty mindset, then you will view the gospel through that mindset, and I had already begun to see this mindset showing up in our prayer time together. Our team from ORU, weren’t the greatest pray-ers, but we had an understanding of God that I had believed was obvious. Although it was becoming more and more clear to me that this thinking was completely absent in their understanding of the gospel. Poverty drove their decisions, and controlled their finances, because Poverty was in them. Poverty was in the minds of the people of Romania no matter how much they read that Jesus became poor for their sake that we might become rich. Poverty was hidden deep in their souls.

I was still thinking about what to say to her. I didn’t want to act offended, but I knew that I hadn’t got where I was because my parents were rich and I definitely hadn’t arrived there because I was rich. God had been responsible for every penny that crossed my fingers. Not to say that my parents hadn’t worked to provide for me, but there is a greater understanding that God is the ultimate provider, not a job. I kept playing the game, and I could feel her eyes still glued to me. I didn’t even know where to start. I thought that every man or woman on the earth has dreams. Who doesn’t dream? I had run out options. All I had left was to blatantly address the accusations that had pressed against me. "Why do you say that dreaming is an American thing?" She looked at me with puzzlement. "I don't understand..."She replied slowly. "You said that dreaming is something you do, because you are American." She looked like she had been caught in the act of doing something bad. I decided to stop a religious spirit that was working her right that moment. "The gospel is not American you know." She raised her eyebrows, and now half of the table had quite playing and was watching us and listening. I continued, "Jesus is the one that provides for me, not being an American..." "No, but you have money, you are American." I wanted to roll my eyes. It's so common to go over seas and everyone thinks that every American is rich. I don’t want to knock over anyone’s belief system towards a prosperous gospel, but what I am saying is that the ability to be well-off financially in God is a blessing that is not limited to the United States of America, or any other birthplace. 

I turned my head back to the game, but I was really trying to listen to my spirit. Honestly, I had run smack into a HUGE problem in their country. One that I wasn’t sure I could even begin to address. I felt like I had run into the “Momma Bear” of the problem. I think what bothered me the most wasn’t the problem itself, it was the fact that the Christians/Missionaries in Romania/Moldova were empowering the problem. They believed that somehow it was God’s will for them to live in this whirl of poverty and dreamlessness, and that the only hope in this life was after death, the hope of eternity. While the hope of eternity is glorious, there is much more to the life lived with God on this earth.

I was already over my head in this mess, and everyone was still looking to me to address the problem presented. I don’t know if it was the Holy Spirit or just my personal effort to fix the problem, but I breathed out and continued. “Haven’t you ever had a dream?” She was picking at her hands. “Of course, I did but after a while you realize that maybe...that is not what God wants.” “What do you mean?” Another girl from the table chimed in suddenly, “Just because you have a dream doesn’t mean it’s going to happen...” There was that hopelessness mentality creeping back into the conversation. The people there are taught that you are powerless to change anything, and to try to work yourself up to believe otherwise will just disappoint you. However, my bible says, “Hope DEFERRED makes the heart sick...” 

We continued to discuss back and forth. We talked about the dreams she used to have, and I found myself amazed that I had to “defend” dreaming. I thought such a thing was unheard of-- apparently not.

Over the next few days, I was very concerned about the problems I had seen. We continued on with our activities, but part wasn’t really there. I was still back in our conversation about dreaming. It really bothered me that they didn’t know what I knew about God...or maybe that they didn’t believe it. I can’t remember exactly when it happen, but one day the Lord began to talk to me about it (or maybe I was finally listening). Now, I am going to paraphrase what He said,  “Jared, the problem lies much deeper than your looking. Not dreaming is just symptom of the deeper issue. The real issue is that they don’t know that I am good. They have no knowledge of my goodness. Do you remember when Oral Roberts started to teach ‘God is a good God?’ People had all kinds of problems with him teaching that. It was still true, but Satan had hidden it for centuries. Although, there was much contraversey around that belief its’ truth spread like wildfire around the United States and other parts of the world. People started expecting me to do ‘good’ things, and I was happy to do them, because the knowledge had been hidden for so long. Healing began to return to the church, and revelation began to pour out -- ‘God wasn’t mad anymore...” As he told me all of this suddenly everything had made sense. I thought back to our prayer meetings at the base. The way the talked to God was like He was mad at them, and I couldn’t understand why, but I did now. He finished with, “Jared, they need to know that I AM GOOD! Beyond anything they have ever known. That I am full of mercy, and am all love. I want them to know me. I want them to know my goodness and my love....” As He spoke I could feel God’s heart for Romania/Moldova beginning to stir in me. The question remained, where and how would I begin to teach about this? 

The answer to that question came sooner than I thought and easier as well. I was about to go to bed one night when one of the people from the base approached me. “Shared(Jared), I hear you say God is good, this is very interesting to me could you talk to me about it...” From there the doors were opened. Without asking or ever trying a small crowd from the base would sit around me every night while we talked about God’s goodness towards, health, prosperity, his intoxicating love, and his never-ending mercy. They began to ask for more every night. We listened to ministers on my computer: Bill Johnson, Heidi Baker, Janice Seney. Every night I would get a knock on my door. “Shared(Jared) are we going to talk tonight...?”

On the last night before we left Romania, the girl that had had the original talk with me about dreams approached me. “Shared, can I talk to you for a minute? I need to tell you something. First,  you were right about me...I still want to dream. I want to thank you, because I now know that God is good, he loves me soo much, he wants me to be well, and to do well....Thank you! I know He is good, because he sent you to Romania for me...” I froze there in the moment. God was smiling on the inside of me, and His love for this girl was beginning to make me cry.

What about Romania? We are born in America with the responsibility to teach the world to dream...to live in the very best of God. To see his goodness displayed in our lives. We may not have changed all of Romania or done a whole lot on the surface, but we began a cultural shift in the hearts of the people, and we planted the seeds of a glorious gospel in the hearts of the missionaries there. And for that I owe all the Glory to God!

The Adjustment Bureau...

      I know it has been a while since I journaled, and that I can only say is due to business. (Isn't that everybody else's excuse!) Saying all that, I want to step into a very deep and controversial topic. However, in this context I am not going to come out blatantly and expose one side or the other. Rather, I am going to try and present the issue as an issue and a topic, not a fight for anything else. I saw the movie "The adjustment bureau" tonight, and I was shocked at what I saw. Not because anything hollywood does ever should surprise us at this point, but because it was a message to the world. Earlier, as I was about to go into the theatre, I had conversation on the phone with a relative. She went on and on about how "the adjustment bureau," was just another movie like "eagle eye" that was trying to say that the government or unknown agency in the government was to blame. She ended her point saying that "It was time for people write something original and instead of doing the same things over and over again..."(Paraphrase). However, what I saw in the theatre was nothing like eagle eye, or anything else like that genre.  In fact, it was something so different that I walked out asking God what my response needed to be. Let me put this way, in the past there was a yelling voice coming out of hollywood, "there is NO God!" But! This was no longer the cry of hollywood in this instance. No, there mission was simple. There is a God, and he's trying to ruin your hopes and dreams, and if you keep rebelling long enough and divert His plan long enough than he finally rewrite it. Not only that, but your actually smarter than God is, and God trying to make you pretend that your not as smart as He is....does this sound familiar at all? Hint: Garden...Snake....Fruit! In essence, since that's the name of this whole thing, the writers not only exposed "God" for what he was, but said that Man was a better God in his own life than God was, and those who realized that were able to truly experience "free will," but those who don't, don't.
      My question is, "What is our response?..." Hollywood has spoken, that "New Age" is their stance. There might be a God, but he's not in charge of my life. I am my own God, he is inadequate! Church you are not allowed to keep silent, shake your heads, preach against it behind the pulpit either, your response must be different. For years, we have settled for hiding in our churches demanding our rights to exist, and crying about the problems outside our walls, and asking God to change them..... I remember my grandmother telling the story about when television first came out. The station began offering stations to a host of christians and churches, but the church stuck up their noses and said the TV was the "devil!" Of course, you can see what took place afterwards. It wasn't long before they had handed all the stations over to secular organizations.... Now a days you hear Christians and Pastors do nothing, but complain about what's on the TV. Well, duh! You wanted nothing to do with the TV, it was the devil. No! what the church realized too late was that they had ignored the hand of God in the beginnings of media!
    There must be a response that creates global ripples just like the ones issuing out of hollywood, every minute of everyday. Let me start with this. Church, media is THE most powerful tool in the natural word to convey a influence. These wimpy, pathetic attempts at "christian media," (no offense to anyone) have been an EPIC FAIL! There is a lack of excellence poisoning the body of Christ. That "okay," christian media is okay! Hear me when I say this! It will NEVER be okay to produce anything not equal to or greater than the world. So return to your wood shops churches. No money isn't an excuse! There is tons of money in your businesses, and in your world. Go get it!
     Church our response is fight fire with fire! We must respond with media and movies, with powerful truths "hidden" with the excellence. And I don't mean "fake christian families on film in unrealistic and relatable avenues. That my friends just makes everyone "roll their eyes" and turn the channel, or watch something else.
     Lack of excellence is NOT an Option! So take it out of your thinking. The church was never designed to house us, but to export us out into the world....

A Warm Air is Blowing.....Awaken!

           There is something so REFRESHING about a warm breeze blowing after the snow and the bitter cold. It is as if the earth is breathing-in after a long sleep. In so many ways, natural seasons seem to reflect personal spiritual seasons in our lives. At least this has been the case in my life. In so many ways,  the snow is melting and the warm is blowing through the very core of me. I woke up this morning, just bathing in the beauty of His Love. Such beauty is in his face. It felt like the warm outside was somehow reviving me on the inside. This season has been a battle not only for me, but for my whole family. In a way, I felt like this morning the Lord woke me up promising that, not only was he faithful, but the cold was over in our family, and their was a warm breeze of healing and refreshing blowing through the entirety of my family. I am so full of joy in knowing that His faithfulness is so true.
         Learning to be content where you are, is a lesson that has been ever before my life lately. (I don't know if that statement makes sense, hahaha!) When your at home, living with your parents, and eating their labors and work, life seems so different. Even in a college setting where I am fed 3 meals a day, and surrounded by other lost college kids, it still takes so much of me to be content. Perhaps, because "college" isn't designed to be my life. It's only a phase, and I am beginning to see lights in the distance, and know that in time I will break into the brilliance of sunlight. There in the warmth of the sun, will be the train station. It will be time for me to get off, and drive to my new home.
         No one ever tells you that being a dreamer, or carrying dreams is this heavy....Being the way I am, it's hard to even be around people who don't dream big like me. I think that's one of my most reaccuring pains in life. I am surrounded, so much of the time, by people who sleep, and yet don't dream....I can't do that! I've been a dreamer as long as I can remember. I'll never forget the nights that I couldn't sleep. My soul was soaring with the possibilities of what I could become. I would sneak quitely out the front door, and walk down the street, and talk to God about my dreams. I felt this hugeness on the inside of me. At times, it felt like I was gonna explode if I didn't find some way to let out some pressure. In the darkness of the night, God would ease my hugeness with the hugeness of His own heart of dreams.  In those moments, I felt like He was letting me in on His dreams, and they always seemed to fill up the sky with the colors, and the life in them. Watching the stars, looking so helplessly, to see His face in the sky, I felt so close to His heart. At least, He...understood my need and want to dream, because, he too, was full of exploding dreams.
        It's been years since then, and I still go out into the stars, and share dreams with God. No matter how BIG my dreams seem, His are always bigger. Always.......

First things First

          So I feel like in this actual "first blog"....I need to air out some dirty laundry. Now, don't panic! You're safe....I'm keeping this clean and respectful...but I want everyone to be fully aware, that I am fully aware that I...am...on a journey. What journey is that? Well how should I know! In part, that is the very reason I am writing this. I like to write. Not that I have anything profound to say, but I really do enjoy it, and for the most part I seem to make the most sense when I'm writing. Which, in essence, handicaps me, being a highly active talker, to useless words, when I am just speaking and not writing. (Dear Lord, hope I can get that figured out)....What I found most humorous is that in the past, or in the "olden days" people used to have to be published to write, and now you just publish yourself! (I'm not sure that's a good thing or not) I guess that's what freedom is all about in this country! So speaking of the younger years, I use to dream of being a writer. Ones like C.S. Lewis, J.R.R Tolkien, people who seemed to transform the mind of the reader, and leave you staggering away from their writings with a profound sense of need to change! Ahhh well....like I said...those were the "olden days." However, I will admit I have come across a few writers, present day that is, that allude my mind...Bill Johnson. He seems to really enjoy dropping killer one-liners, that leave your mind almost thoughtless....e.i. "The greatest breakthrough comes AFTER you've become UNfamiliar with what you already know..." Ya! Think about that one for a few minutes, if you need a minute to stop reading and digest I understand.
            Saying all that, I think I'll change the pace a little bit. I'll try and be brief, but anyone that knows me, knows that that can be an ever present challenge, but I'll try my best. Let me see, ohh yes...this is the strangest season of my life yet. Things have been so challenging, and I have so many things I am unsure of. For instance, where I am going after I graduate? I know that this is somewhat of a normal question, but I have an added dilemma. I  have a place that I want to go to after graduation, but I have completely different feelings about it. Both from within my family and out. One parent said, "Go for it!" The other said, "I've lost mind!" At the same time, many of those that used to be close to me, and their opinion I valued have suddenly become somewhat invaluable to me. I know that that sounds harsh, and extremely straight forward, but that's how I feel, and if I am being honest, which I aspire to do in these writings, than I just going to say like it is. I mean am I the only person that that's happened to? It's just like a ginormous shift happened, and suddenly it seems pointless to listen to some peoples opinions anymore. When I say some people, I mean people that I acclaim to be extremely wise and learned, and to whom I have great respect and trust. So, in a lot of ways it's strange, the shift. I don't know if I am truly explaining myself, but maybe a few of you guys have experienced this in the past, present, or maybe you're going to see it happen. Maybe I should clarify a few more things. These "people" are NOT just anyone....their great Christians, and it's not that I am rebelling, or disobeying God, it just seems for the first time, I feel God is moving me in a different direction. I also,  understand, that in some instances, they have "been there and done that," but at the same time I feel that I am sailing completely, "unmapped and completely uncharted" waters. Oh I do wish there was someone that I knew that felt the same kinda call I do. It would be so much easier not to feel so alone in this. But, there is one lesson that I cannot seem to learn, and one that I maybe always learning, "trusting Him." Man, when I was younger that seemed to come so much easier to me, even the bigger things that have occurred in my life in the past three years, have seemed somewhat easier. 
           But, I must be honest and admit, that I was the furthest from "trusting Him," earlier this week. In fact, I lost my head in ways I don't think I have ever lost it...and for those that know me,  know that is saying something. When I say that I lost it, I mean that I lost not once, not twice, but several times. How do I explain this better? It seems, even now, writing is inadequate in expressing the things that ran through my head. I feel like the need to "create" is slowing exploding on the inside of me! That might sound a little "crazy," and take full freedom to think that, but I don't know how else to explain that.
           I will admit, that I have always loved to create, but it just seems that now adays everything I write, sing, film, edit, and compose is inadaquite! Nothings to my liking. Sometimes, it seems as if I need the largest studio, the finest equipment, the latest technology, the greatest actors, writers, and composers, to truly create the way I need to.......
        I will leave you with this, because I'm sure you are completely done reading, or have otherwise, already departed from these words....There is only thing that I can aquait these feelings to...the Creator himself, maybe I simply feeling His heart more than I have ever felt it before....I don't know, surely this isn't a human emotion, but an out of this universe type of feeling, more of a "creator to His creation feeling......Thoughts?


    

Life in Slow Motion

      I won't pretend that I know, even for a moment, how to write. But, I am writing because I feel like it maybe the only way I can put all my thoughts together. So I'm calling this "In Essence," because for the most part...this is "in essence," and it's mostly from a young, 21 year olds, perspective, and therefore is extremely filtered in the thought process. It doesn't matter how many or even if only one person ever reads this, but my one prayer is that that one person is somehow blessed by my honest and simple moments on paper. There are a few things to say about the written word....God's got alot of written words that have changed my life, not that I am in any way comparaing my words to that of His, but maybe in some form I'll reflect some of those truths written on the oldest pages in history. So this is me "In Essence," and so I begin..........to be continued