First things First

          So I feel like in this actual "first blog"....I need to air out some dirty laundry. Now, don't panic! You're safe....I'm keeping this clean and respectful...but I want everyone to be fully aware, that I am fully aware that I...am...on a journey. What journey is that? Well how should I know! In part, that is the very reason I am writing this. I like to write. Not that I have anything profound to say, but I really do enjoy it, and for the most part I seem to make the most sense when I'm writing. Which, in essence, handicaps me, being a highly active talker, to useless words, when I am just speaking and not writing. (Dear Lord, hope I can get that figured out)....What I found most humorous is that in the past, or in the "olden days" people used to have to be published to write, and now you just publish yourself! (I'm not sure that's a good thing or not) I guess that's what freedom is all about in this country! So speaking of the younger years, I use to dream of being a writer. Ones like C.S. Lewis, J.R.R Tolkien, people who seemed to transform the mind of the reader, and leave you staggering away from their writings with a profound sense of need to change! Ahhh well....like I said...those were the "olden days." However, I will admit I have come across a few writers, present day that is, that allude my mind...Bill Johnson. He seems to really enjoy dropping killer one-liners, that leave your mind almost thoughtless....e.i. "The greatest breakthrough comes AFTER you've become UNfamiliar with what you already know..." Ya! Think about that one for a few minutes, if you need a minute to stop reading and digest I understand.
            Saying all that, I think I'll change the pace a little bit. I'll try and be brief, but anyone that knows me, knows that that can be an ever present challenge, but I'll try my best. Let me see, ohh yes...this is the strangest season of my life yet. Things have been so challenging, and I have so many things I am unsure of. For instance, where I am going after I graduate? I know that this is somewhat of a normal question, but I have an added dilemma. I  have a place that I want to go to after graduation, but I have completely different feelings about it. Both from within my family and out. One parent said, "Go for it!" The other said, "I've lost mind!" At the same time, many of those that used to be close to me, and their opinion I valued have suddenly become somewhat invaluable to me. I know that that sounds harsh, and extremely straight forward, but that's how I feel, and if I am being honest, which I aspire to do in these writings, than I just going to say like it is. I mean am I the only person that that's happened to? It's just like a ginormous shift happened, and suddenly it seems pointless to listen to some peoples opinions anymore. When I say some people, I mean people that I acclaim to be extremely wise and learned, and to whom I have great respect and trust. So, in a lot of ways it's strange, the shift. I don't know if I am truly explaining myself, but maybe a few of you guys have experienced this in the past, present, or maybe you're going to see it happen. Maybe I should clarify a few more things. These "people" are NOT just anyone....their great Christians, and it's not that I am rebelling, or disobeying God, it just seems for the first time, I feel God is moving me in a different direction. I also,  understand, that in some instances, they have "been there and done that," but at the same time I feel that I am sailing completely, "unmapped and completely uncharted" waters. Oh I do wish there was someone that I knew that felt the same kinda call I do. It would be so much easier not to feel so alone in this. But, there is one lesson that I cannot seem to learn, and one that I maybe always learning, "trusting Him." Man, when I was younger that seemed to come so much easier to me, even the bigger things that have occurred in my life in the past three years, have seemed somewhat easier. 
           But, I must be honest and admit, that I was the furthest from "trusting Him," earlier this week. In fact, I lost my head in ways I don't think I have ever lost it...and for those that know me,  know that is saying something. When I say that I lost it, I mean that I lost not once, not twice, but several times. How do I explain this better? It seems, even now, writing is inadequate in expressing the things that ran through my head. I feel like the need to "create" is slowing exploding on the inside of me! That might sound a little "crazy," and take full freedom to think that, but I don't know how else to explain that.
           I will admit, that I have always loved to create, but it just seems that now adays everything I write, sing, film, edit, and compose is inadaquite! Nothings to my liking. Sometimes, it seems as if I need the largest studio, the finest equipment, the latest technology, the greatest actors, writers, and composers, to truly create the way I need to.......
        I will leave you with this, because I'm sure you are completely done reading, or have otherwise, already departed from these words....There is only thing that I can aquait these feelings to...the Creator himself, maybe I simply feeling His heart more than I have ever felt it before....I don't know, surely this isn't a human emotion, but an out of this universe type of feeling, more of a "creator to His creation feeling......Thoughts?