Acting

To Whom ever reads this, (I did type that with Sass, couldn't help myself..lol)

I often question why I write any of things. I mean who's really reading these things. So, for a while you refuse to type at all then you think about it. To yourself you think "I guess it doesn't really matter if anyone reads it, it makes me feel better and that's enough reason for me...at least that's my alibi for now. So here's my thoughts as recorded by me...for me. Lol.

Being a good actor (most humbly of course...no seriously...humbly) ;) can be a problem sometimes. I mean I will convince someone I am a certain way, and then one day I look up and I can't remember how I really felt. How did I feel about certain situation or a certain relationship. There are also the cases where I can convince myself that although I don't feel a certain way about something that I probably should feel that way, so I adjust. Problem. Fake emotions can be harmful to yourself. I mean I having to sort through what I really believe about certain things for the first time with a counselor. I mean they ask you these questions, and you look off because honestly you don't even know the answer to the question. Of course, have the time you think to yourself..."how in the heck did I get here in the first place?...Have I really been lying to myself about this much stuff?...sounds like it." Not that I am going to disclose the ridiculous question that stund me, but I will allude to parts of it. The counselor asked me a question that I never truly thought I would have to answer. Not because I was afraid, but because I never thought it was a real question to answer. I kept turning away as she looked at me. Honestly, I decided that this wasn't a question that I had an option to answer, because of the tragic childhood I had encountered. However, she looked at me in her office and said very serious..."Jared, you deserve to able to answer this question..." Do I? I ended by looking at her and saying, "Honestly, I don't believe it, but I want to...I really really wish I could." See actor. I thought for years I had already answered the question, but I hadn't...I was such a good actor that I made myself to believe that I had, but sadly I hadn't...maybe one day I will.